I Am A Horrible Friend

Thank you to this Flickr user for this amazing shot. It speaks volumes.

Have you ever wanted to enter a time machine ala “Back To The Future” and go back to when things were simple? A time when “drama” meant a play a local theater. A time when friendship was defined by who had the two halves of a heart-shaped necklace.

I can remember playing Barbies all night. Taking the little pink inflatable pool and slide outside so we could use the garden hose. The fresh air, a best friend, a mom bringing out cookies and juice. One time, my best friend had an Easter egg hunt. I was running, and I tripped on the curb and fell. My knee was scraped (I still have the scar) and my basket of eggs went everywhere. My best friends were there in seconds, picking me up, hugging me, and gathering my scattered eggs.

Another time, we were old enough to be by ourselves, and to go where we wanted. We walked several blocks (okay, maybe more then several) to a pharmacy/general store. We bought candy, and on the way out we used every quarter we had on us to purchase *NSYNC stickers. When we came back to my house, to my room, where every inch of my walls were covered with posters of *NSYNC, we sat on my bed and ate our candy.

Or the time that we went around the neighborhood, putting up signs to announce a Beanie Baby sale I was having. We laid out a blanket, and laid out all of the stuffed animals. Later, after I moved (just a few days later), our signs were still up. It was like a sign of our friendship. Whatever weather, whatever storms, we would stand tall.

Over the years I’ve lost friends to moving across the country, just growing apart, and worse things, like being a horrible person. I don’t know what came over me these past few months, but I turned into a rotten brat, like Veruca Salt from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. I was jealous, I was mean, I was distant. I was everything a best friend shouldn’t be. Because of my actions (and lack of), I lost my best friend. Over the years since our high school graduation, I fell out of touch with several people who were there for me when my mom passed away and while I was pregnant. I should have been clinging to those people, holding them up, supporting them, loving them. Instead I was jealous and bitter.

If I could back, I would change it all. I would make us 6, and we’d play with Barbies. I would make us 13 and we gossip about boys. I would make us 16 and we’d drive around all day. I would make us 18, on graduation day. We would be laughing, crying, and passing around my newborn son. I would make us 21 and we’d be getting ready for more babies, college, marriage. If I could, I would.

I’m so sorry for the horrible person I turned into. When all of these babies were being born, I should have been celebrating my status as “Aunt Mandi” and going shopping, taking over food… everything I didn’t do.

I’m sorry.