So tonight I was on the “Permission for Pleasure” show on MomTV. I went to the show to watch, and ended up having an amazing time. I opened up and I just let it out. I’m so not afraid of what people think about me. I no longer hide my emotions and what I’m thinking, I’m over it.
I’ll admit right now, this week so far of being a Mamavation follow-along mom, I’m sucking big time. I haven’t worked out a single minute. Okay, well, I danced for like 3-4 minutes during the show tonight. Other then that, I haven’t done anything. I have, however, changed my eating habits. I’ve traded the big bowl of ice cream for one of those tiny Smart Ones desserts (which, by the way, are pretty darn tasty!), fruits, and Lite Cool Whip. I’m working on eating more fruits and salads and not candies and cookies and such. I suppose I’m starting with the eating part of a healthy lifestyle and I’ll work my way up to exercise.
But talking with Allana Pratt, and opening up, man, that was powerful. I have so much to live for, so much love inside of me, then I’m always projecting onto others and never onto myself. I remember I used to take an hour long shower. I used to shave, blow dry my hair, straighten my hair, then do my makeup. It would take like 3 hours, of loving myself and making my self feel sexy and beautiful. Now it’s a quick shower, maybe blow dry my hair and then pull it up. No makeup, just head out the door. I remember hanging with my friends, and laughing and watching movies. We would stay up all night, just doing girl stuff and being silly teenage girls. Sure, I can’t get those exact moments back, but I can still laugh and love and have fun! If it makes ME feel good, then I’m going to do it.
Before having a child, and before getting married, I lived for me. I dressed the way I did because *I* felt good in those clothes, not because they were clean or easy to clean house in. I spent hours experimenting with my hair and makeup, not hours getting dried food out. I spent hours on the phone, laughing and telling jokes, not arguing with doctors or paying a bill. I did things because *I* wanted to, because *I* enjoyed them. I want that back. I want to listen to music that makes me feel good, that I can dance to. I want to eat good things, because in the long run it will make me healthy, and that will feel good. I want to have sex not because we have a plan or a dream (another child), but because it FEELS GOOD!
I’m so ready to make a change in my life. I’m tired of being the fat girl. I’m tired of sitting on my butt. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being jealous, bitter, bitchy, rude, fearful, and sad. That doesn’t make me feel good. Just because others have things doesn’t mean I don’t have a WORLD of good in my life!
So here’s to the change. No, not menopause. The change to live for ME. The change to do what makes ME feel GOOD. The time is NOW, and I’m so freaking ready!
*Thank you Allana!!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
WOW good for you! By loving yourself you are loving your family and they will be happier for it as well! I’m not sure why women feel they need to abandon themselves when they get married and have babies… so glad you have made this discovery!
I know you are apprehensive of exercise, but exercise is a natural mood enhancer. Getting just a little bit in a day will help you with all the things you mentioned. I’m looking out for ya. Also, careful of the diet. It’s nice that you are restricting calories, but if you don’t do any exercise, your metabolism will go down…and then you know what happens. The two together work best for lasting changes: “a live-it” and exercise. Start small…you don’t need to run or do Tae Bo…try some walks with kids first. :)