“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. – Friedrich Nietzche
There are days that go by, that I really start to question my sanity. Am I REALLY trying this hard to have a dream come true? Am I REALLY this jealous over something I can not control? Am I REALLY questioning whether or not I should delete my Facebook account because I’m tired of hearing announcements or remarks from others? It’s incredibly frustrating, it’s heart breaking, it’s maddening.
Yes, I’m talking about trying infertility and the desire to have another child.
I am not the only one out there struggling, so I have to ask: How do you deal with the jealousy?
This is Motivating Monday, and I have to talk about what motivates me… this is actually really hard for me to write. What motivates me to keep trying would be all the memories our family could make together. I miss certain things about pregnancy (and of course, hated other parts!). I have always wanted three or four children, and as the years have gone on, two children would be great. We have tried for so long, that I feel like if we quit trying now, we are just giving up on ourselves. I have SO much love that I want to share with my children, so many stories, so many fun and wonderful things. There are days when I wish that we could do IVF and have six children! I just want to be pregnant, to grow our family, and to have years with my beautiful children.
It stinks. I am really tired of Facebook statues, instant messages, and text messages to announce pregnancy or ultrasound results. Are these friends of mine really this insensitive? You would think they might understand, or at least fake it. They definitely motivate the jealousy and the anger and unfairness, but it’s all on me to push on. I do this thing called “Refocusing”, where I just take all those emotions and all those pent up thoughts and ‘refocus’ onto something else. It may be cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes, folding laundry, or it might be cranking out some blog posts, or organizing pictures, but it’s something productive. It’s worked in the past when things were going on and I needed to get my mind off of pregnancy. I am going to be trying to it again. It not only motivates me to get a clean house, or work done, but it’s also some “me” time.
One day we’ll be pregnant… and you will for SURE see it announced here, Twitter, and Facebook! Heck, I might even rent a highway billboard ;-)
Thanks for coming back! I hope you join the conversation and leave a comment or two!
Mandi-
I have been there sister! I can relate to everything in this post with one exception. We never got pregnant. Regardless at any stage primary or secondary infertility is painful and uncertain and something often tragically misunderstood. I wrote a blog post about it a few months back bc it is something worthy of support and is a grief that knows no bounds.
In my practice as a therapist I specialize in grief and loss with an emphasis on infertility.
If you could ever use a guest for your shows on this topic say the word. The world could se some education about this issue.
Sending love-
Stephanie
Stephanie Baffone´s last blog ..Mantra Monday and Name That Product
Hi Mandi-
Here is the link to the post I wrote about grief and infertility.
I feel your pain, girl! I do.
xo
http://stephaniebaffone.blogspot.com/2009/08/mourning.html
Stephanie Baffone´s last blog ..Mantra Monday and Name That Product
For some reason I can’t include the link to the post I wrote about grief and infertility but if you click my website address you’ll see it.
Mandi-I feel your pain, sister! I do.
xo
Stephanie Baffone´s last blog ..Mantra Monday and Name That Product
I read this earlier and couldn’t comment, because I had my toddler all over me, so FINALLY…
For some really odd reason I thought you were pregnant. I don’t know why, but when I was pregnant I thought you were one of my pregnant people ~ I seriously need to get it together here in this department.
I COMPLETELY get what you’re saying regarding getting frustrated with people’s announcements and flipping u/s pics and blah blah blah ~ I’m right with ya there at this moment in my life. The thing with me is I don’t struggle with infertility, gosh my husband sneezes on me and I can get pregnang…. I just struggle with keeping my little babies alive in me.
When I lost my first baby I was 5 months along ~ my sister was a couple weeks ahead of me and being around her was HORRIBLE… heck, she had 3 possible fathers and I was married.
This time I have no idea what the heck the deal is but I’m bitter. I hate reading things on FB about the newly pregnant people and I just want to cry about it… I try to put that energy into other things as well, because that’s what I do best!
Great post, thank you for linking up ~ I LOVE having you a part of my Just a Motivating Monday ~ someday maybe it’ll grow big… but for now the few people that do link up I LOVE their posts… I love your posts :)
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The thought of infertility scares the crap out of me.
I have endometriosis so my OBGYN thinks I might have some problems or might not even be fertile. I will do anything to have a child. I haven’t tried as of yet, but I can’t wait to do so.
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We had given up. Surprise, surprise prego for the 1st time at 39. When I turned 40, I was about 5 months along. You have plenty of time.
Robin´s last blog ..Sickness to Smiles: $500 Photo Contest
hang in there..it can be a long road! It took me nearly a year and I felt so sad when friends would tell me they were prego and I REALLY wanted to share in their excitement. It will come…you’ll just have to become jedi with your patience ;)
I’m right there with you. My son will turn 6 this year. So, we’ve been trying for number two for almost 5 years.
How do I deal with it? Sometimes I get angry, and yell and scream about it (when my son’s not around), sometimes I just cry on my own. But most of the time, I try to shut out the fact that the 70 billionth person just announced they’re pregnant-again, and I love on my little one.
I’m so sorry for all the heart ache you’re going through with this. {hugs}
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I cannot imagine the stress that infertility causes – for both you and your husband. It took me six months to conceive for each of my daughters and I remember wondering if I was going to have issues in this area.
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry that you are struggling. :(
Creative Junkie´s last blog ..Our family is growing by leaps and bounds
I know all about infertility. I’m right there with you, but I have yet to know the joys of even a first child. You at least have that, and that is a wonderful blessing.
Dealing with the jealousy for me is really more simple than I imagined it would be. I’m astoundingly not that jealous of a person. I never really was, but I work in a pediatrician’s office. I constantly see new babies and pregnant mommies and I always tell myself, “that will be me some day.” I always say some day because for me it isn’t about the actual pregnancy. It’s about being a mother. And I know one day I will be, whether it’s to three rowdy cats (my current situation), or to an adorable adopted child. One day that will be me and I hold onto that for dear life. Yes, it would be amazing to feel a child move inside of me or kick my ribs, but if that’s not meant for me, then I’ll accept it.
I found out today my best friend is expecting a second child. I thought I would feel jealous about that seeing as she knows how hard I AM trying to be a first time mother. But seeing her joy and her fear and pain all wrapped into one just didn’t allow me to feel that emotion. I couldn’t be happier for her, and while my current situation sucks. And your current situation sucks, just take it one day at a time. It will be you some day.
well..i think i gave you my thoughts in chat tonight already! LOL
trisha
trisha´s last blog ..American Idol: Trisha Style
I am so sorry. It is just not fair.
Kelly W´s last blog ..Chinese New Year Party: Games and goody bags
((HUGS)) Never having to go through it my self It took me awhile to realize just how HARD it can be for some. I hate that and hope you are able to have the child you want soon.
Kas
Kasandria´s last blog ..The Children’s Place 15% Off Coupon!
*HUGS* Stay positive, your time will come.
Can’t imagine what your going through. I am sure at times it can be a lot to deal with. ((((BIG HUGS)))) Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope everything works out!
April´s last blog ..Spring 2010 Fashion Trends
It took 5 years for us to conceive our first one, and I got those pangs of jealousy, too! And then I gave myself a good talking to one day. If my friends can’t feel safe in sharing their joy with me, and I can’t share my pains with them, then our friendships aren’t worth much. Most importantly, I realized that it wasn’t their fault I was having trouble conceiving, and my jealousy was really just a way of transferring my own pain to someone human. It was easier than the helpless feeling that I was struggling against random chance.
When having babies is easy for someone, they do have difficulty understanding the pain of trying for so long, but you have to cut them some slack. It’s not that they don’t care. It’s just lack of experience and imagination. It never occurs to many people that a baby is a thing you WANT, like a drowning man wants to breathe.
Hang in there and keep praying! I know you’re gonna get that little blessing! I finally did! 4 of them, in fact.
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@Cindy, Thank you! You are so incredibly right that it’s not THEIR fault, and that maybe my jealousy is just a way of dealing with it in such a way that I can be angry and bitter instead of celebrating. I need to work on ‘refocusing’ that energy into something else immediately and perhaps not even letting myself feel the jealousy!
@Mandi, Who knows? Maybe all that positive energy will foster a good environment for making babies! LOL I sure hope so.
@Cindy, There is DEFINITELY “something in the water” here, and everyone so far will be having girls! Another announcement last night, so it’s just wait and see to see if she too has a girl. Guess I better go stick my head under the faucet and guzzle! :)
Infertility just plain sucks!!!! And I can’t stand the happy pregnancy announcements either…I do get jealous. Maybe it is wrong of me…but sometimes people can be insensitive too.
Laurie´s last blog ..Is Your Toothbrush Making You Sick?
It’s hard. Really hard. We struggled for almost a year – not nearly as long as some people, I know – but I was 35 when I finally did get pregnant. I truly wish you all the best in your journey.
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Reading articles out of order doesn’t help with comments. I’m so happy your stick read pregnant!!
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